Greatest Songs of 2011: #50: Florence + The Machine - "Only If for a Night"

Listen Here

A lot of people can name you their favorite songs, but few can pinpoint the exact one that they hate the most. I have the luxury of knowing exactly what song I absolutely cannot stand: Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose.” I don’t know exactly what happened, but, sometime in my childhood, a traumatic event occurred while that song was playing, and, from that point on, I have associated it with the eternal abyss, unknowable shadows and those creepy birds in Stellaluna. It’s absolutely Pavlovian, but I’m not lying to you when I say that, to this day, I have never been able to stomach a full playing of that song.

That being said, I can understand the track’s appeal. Its gothic tinge, Seal’s vocal performance. I can imagine people like “Kiss From a Rose” for the same reason I like Florence + The Machine’s “Only If for a Night”. It’s sensual goth pop for the masses. “Only If for a Night” is different, though, because it has that extra kick. (Also, it’s not the demon spawn of Satan) The utterance of the song’s title after the chorus is a swift, unexpected addendum to an already massive song. Then Florence Welch’s voice cries to the heavens and it’s not long before you’ve got a delicious slice of 90’s adult contemporary better than every Hootie and the Blowfish song combined. Ceremonials had a lot of great moments, but it never got better than its first track. I may never be able to listen to “Kiss From A Rose” without wanting to gauge my eardrums out with a melon baller, but I’d say this is a more than worthy alternative. 

Greatest Songs of 2011: #50: Florence + The Machine - "Only If for a Night"

Modicums 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been a long time coming, folks. Throughout the month of December, I will be posting my personal list of the top 50 albums and songs of the year. If you want a refresher on the schedule or what exactly the Modicums are, refer to the post below or click this link. Now, without further ado, let's get into the nitty gritty of this stuff. Enjoy.

Modicums 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December Is Modicums Month!

What a year this has been. So many things in my life have changed (mostly for the better), and, as such, this blog has seen its fair share of alterations in layout, format, style, viewership, output, input and so many other things. I have tried my best over the last year and a half to provide a varied, eclectic view of the current musical landscape with inventive and insightful reviews, a service which I personally see very little of in most critical formats. From guitar to xylophone, from Portland to Osaka, I’d like to think I have and will continue to provide as many people as possible with an enveloping experience of what the 2010’s have to offer.

Through these incredible 18 months, one particular post has stood out from the rest. That being “We Begin at the End,” the ginormous year-end list I compiled of all the 2010 records I had rated ranked from worst to greatest, with greatest songs and performances featured as well. The fact that it is by far the most viewed post on Check Your Mode is understandable and incredibly encouraging to me, because, to be honest, all this work I’ve been doing really does come down to the year-end lists that I obsessive over daily. The writing is a very important part of this blog as well, but I’m a lists guy at heart.

So, some of you may have noticed that one of the tags on that post was something called “Modicums 2010.” And perhaps some of you wondered what that meant, considering I never used such a phrase throughout the entire post. Well, I am incredibly pleased to announce what The Modicums are: They are Check Your Mode’s month-long countdown of the greatest albums, singles and musical performances of the year!

Doesn’t sound that radical, right? I mean, “We Begin at the End” was basically that in one big post. Well, unfortunately, I didn’t have the time or the resources to go through the whole shpeal of organizing a month-long event. But, now, a year later, I have made those very preparations, and I am quite proud of myself for that in case you were wondering. Hopefully, this year will see the spurring of an annual tradition/blowout that will be a fun, interactive experience for all following along.

So how will it work? Well, starting December 1^st, we will post ten slots a day, five for albums and five for songs. Each day, we will count down from #50, until December 9^th, when we get to the top 10. Then, there will be a two-week gestation period for the suspense to build for the musical event of the year. From the 22^nd onward, we will count down the best albums and songs one by one. Then, on December 31^st, The Modicums will be posted, in which the number one album and song will be revealed, and all of the other Modicum awards will be posted for greatest guitar, bass, percussion, other instrument and male and female vocal performance on an album and song.

Then, after that epic climax in the post-coital days of early January, I will post some stuff about the albums I missed (Because there are always albums I miss), an update on albums released in November and December, and maybe even a Couldawouldashoulda for the entire year. I’m not so certain about that whole period, though; the stuff posted then might end up being more of a surprise.

But what IS certain is that The Modicums 2011 are totally going down, and you should totally be as excited as I am. I have literally been planning this thing for two years, so I’m really excited to get around to doing it. In the meantime, I’ll try to write more reviews, but I hope you forgive me if I continue the lull that’s been going on since August in preparation for this great feat. If that ends up being the case, I’ll see you in December, fuckers! But seriously, thank you so much for reading, and I hope to continue to expose you all to some new and interesting music. That’s what I’m here for.

Below is a more organized write-up of the Modicums schedule and the awards that will be given. Have a great November, everyone, and stay awesome. Peace.

Modicums 2011 Schedule

Dec. 1^st:             Albums/Songs #50 – 46

Dec. 2^nd:             Albums/Songs #45 – 41

Dec. 3^rd:            Albums/Songs #40 – 36

Dec. 4^th:            Albums/Songs #35 – 31

Dec. 5^th:            Albums/Songs #30 – 26

Dec. 6^th:            Albums/Songs #25 – 21

Dec. 7^th:            Albums/Songs #20 – 16

Dec. 8^th:            Albums/Songs #15 – 11

Dec. 22^nd:            Album/Song #10

Dec. 23^rd:            Album/Song #9

Dec. 24^th:            Album/Song #8

Dec. 25^th:            Album/Song #7

Dec. 26^th:            Album/Song #6

Dec. 27^th:            Album/Song #5

Dec. 28^th:            Album/Song #4

Dec. 29^th:            Album/Song #3

Dec. 30^th:            Album/Song #2

Dec. 31^st:            Album/Song #1 and Modicums 2011

Modicums Awards

Best Vocal Performance on an Album (Male)

Best Vocal Performance on a Song (Male)

Best Vocal Performance on an Album (Female)

Best Vocal Performance on a Song (Female)

Best Guitar Performance on an Album

Best Guitar Performance on a Song

Best Bass Performance on an Album

Best Bass Performance on a Song

Best Percussion Performance on an Album

Best Percussion Performance on a Song

Best Other Instrument Performance on an Album

Best Other Instrument Performance on a Song

December Is Modicums Month!

Couldawouldashoulda's October 2011

Yeah, there were a few records that just barely didn't make the final cut.

Review Here

Review Here

And that's a shame, because all three of those records are awesome. But there is one Couldawouldashoulda that I am quite excited about:

Who's not putting a Radiohead album on his Top Fifty List? THIS GUY. I was really nervous as the months went on and it still remained there, but now it's gone so you can rest assured that it will be nowhere on my year-end aggregate. Isn't that fantastic?!!!!

Nevertheless, I cannot deny it is an excellent album. Review Here. 

Couldawouldashoulda's October 2011

Couldawouldashoulda: July - September 2011

It’s come to that time of year. When the Couldawouldashoulda’s become frankly painful to read off, because they are all excellent releases that just couldn’t quite last in the dog-eat-dog world of Check Your Mode’s list of 50 greatest albums of the year. We’re talking A-‘s here, all of them. These are albums on my Recommended list that simply won’t show up on my year-end aggregate, and that makes me very sad. And yet, life goes on. So begins, with reluctance, the first of a few particularly contentious end-of-the-month Honorable Mentions lists. Here are the Couldawouldashoulda’s of September 2011.

            

Oh, and, obviously, the blog’s been inactive for the past month, and I admit I was slacking pretty terribly throughout July as well (hence never getting around to doing the Couldawouldashoulda’s for that month and August). Well, that’s going to stop. So, to kick things off, I’m going to do a recap of the Couldawouldashoulda’s of July and August 2011 as well. Will they be sophisticated vignettes of esteemed music releases? Well, if more burger metaphors pass as sophisticated vignettes, then grab your monocle and cashmere girdle, because here’s the recap of the Couldawouldashoulda’s of July and August!

Couldawouldashoulda: July 2011

Eleanor Friedberger – Last Summer

Well, it’s certainly a very cultured burger. It has nuanced doses of flavors from all over New York City that could only have been assembled by a very knowledgeable and creative chef. Perhaps the bun and burger, themselves, could have used a little more zest, but those unique flavors are enough to keep me going. I might just eat this with a knife and fork I feel so fancy.

Seun Kuti and Egypt 80 – From Africa With Fury: Rise

One of many burgers I simply haven’t gotten around to talking about. Which is a shame, because this one’s really quite nice. Smooth texture, but a spicy undercurrent that hints at a dark underbelly just beneath the surface. And I know what you’re thinking: “Paul, the guy just overcooked the burger!” If you actually think that, then you obviously overestimate how seriously I take my job.

Thurston Moore – Demolished Thoughts

Like when the diner you’ve been coming to for thirty years suddenly throws some bleu cheese on your burger, and you’re left wondering where this new style came from. “What the fuck, man, this is brilliant! Why haven’t you done this before? And don’t tell me this is the last of this. I mean, I’ve always been a satisfied customer, but I will be genuinely offended if something like this isn’t served to me ever again.”

tUnE-yArDs – w h o k i l l

  

I hate to rain on everyone’s burger parade here, but I didn’t think this patty was quite as good as everyone made it out to be. It’s decently exotic, but I don’t think it goes far enough. I mean, some of these flavors I taste are incredibly interesting, but I’d rather have them overwhelm me as opposed to just going on one taste bud and off another. I like that avocado, but you know what would be even more badass? A whole layer of avocado. Or, better yet, replace the whole damn patty with a slab of that shit. Now, you’ve just got a kickass avocado sandwich. Now that’s innovative.

Týr – The Lay of Thrym

  

For a burger that came from so far and wide to sit on this plate, I gotta say this doesn’t really taste all that strange. Oh, damnit, the chef is crying. Let me finish! This is an extremely solid burger. No, no it’s not overcooked, I meant metaphorically! I loved eating it, and it thoroughly entertained me. I’m just surprised that it’s so normal despite being from such a place where burgers don’t usually come from. Objectively, it’s quite good, honest! There, there, don’t cry. You did good. Here, have some artificially flavored carbonated sugar water. America will treat you well.

I’d like to take note of the metaphor within a metaphor in that last entry. We move on.

Couldawouldashoulda: August 2011

Coma Cinema – Blue Suicide

  

I can’t eat this. Look how this thing’s made! The bun’s thin, the meat’s falling all over the place, the lettuce is soggy and the tomatoes are runny. This is a poorly constructed burger. But I have to say, there’s an undeniable allure to it. It has a dull, borderline depressing taste to it, but it owns that depression, you know? It’s worth eating. You might have to get your hands dirty to do so, but a challenge never hurt anybody. Just pretend it’s couscous or some shit.

EMA – Past Life Martyred Saints

Woah. What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Eat. That was some heavy stuff, man. That shit’s just sitting in the pit of my stomach and I can feeeeeeeel it there, you know? It won’t go away. Will my duodenum process it? Holy shit, I don’t think I’m gonna eat for at least a few days. I’m not gonna lie, I almost cried several times. At eating a burger, man! And now it’s just inside me. Fuck. I won’t soon forget this burger. My colon won’t let me.

Lil B – I’m Gay (I’m Happy)

Oh man, this burger’s got some baggage. Burger haters will be ripping this thing to shreds faster than they would normally rip it to shreds (‘Cause, you know, it’s a burger). Despite that, it’s pretty delicious. Passionately made, but it can get a little too sweet at times. Definitely worth the time though. The only real way you’ll appreciate it is if you close your eyes and then dig in.

Paul Simon – So Beautiful or So What

You know, what? I think that, after giving us such extravagant feasts for so long, it’s nice for Mr. Simon to roll out the picnic every once in a while. Find a nice shady spot, bring a comfy blanket and enjoy a freshly grilled slice of meat with a guy who genuinely couldn’t be happier doing so. And I’m not going easy on him either. He still makes good burgers, and this one’s no exception. Rich, flavorful and even a little spicy. A good burger from a chef that knows a thing or too about making good burgers. And that joke about putting his balls in the bun still kills me every time.

Devin Townsend – Deconstruction

Haha, no. Just no. There’s no such thing as a post-modern burger. Opinion? Very good. Has anyone really been far even as decided to use Townsend even go want to do look more like Devin? Seven. Moving on.

Paul Simon putting his balls in a hamburger bun. Now we move on.

Couldawouldashoulda: September 2011

Action Bronson – Dr. Lecter

Original Review Here

“The fuckin' police ride me / Get your motherfucking hand out her asshole” – Action Bronson, “Bag of Money"

Not exactly Pride and Prejudice, but I wouldn’t write off Queens native Action Bronson just because he can get a little immature on his debut LP, Dr. Lector. The man has a vocal voracity and bouncy swagger that greatly complements the ‘90’s NYC boom bap that supports him. It’s exhilarating stuff… even if it’s made apparent on tracks called “Jerk Chicken” and “Get Off My P.P.” Dr. Lecter features a rapper with a passion for culture, rapping about delicious food as much as for professional wrestlers and famous guitarists. I can’t stress enough how hungry (pun not intended) Bronson sounds on this record, not just to prove himself, but to just make genuinely fun record. If Dr. Lecter was terrible, I would still give Bronson points for effort. But that he can make themes that are so esoteric in the rap world approachable and hilarious is an added bonus that should be recognized.

 Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi – Rome

Original Review Here

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Norah Jones. Many critics have talked about Rome by only mentioning its collaborators, Italian soundtrack composer Daniele Luppi and Gnarls Barkley/Broken Bells/Black Keys producer Danger Mouse. However, the soundscapes that the two craft on this record are really nothing that you wouldn’t expect coming from a standard (albeit excellent) Danger Mouse collaboration. It’s really the performances of guest vocalists Jack White and Jones that give the album its extra spark. The sonic theme of spaghetti westerns isn’t so much apparent in the arrangements as much as the episodic nature of the tracks; the alternating voices and interstitial instrumentation lending itself to a narrative that may or may not actually exist. Frankly, with Jones on the bill, I was expecting to be lucky if I made it through the first two tracks of Rome still awake. But, seeing as I literally haven’t given a Danger Mouse product anything lower than an A- in five years (It’s true, I checked), it is I who should have known better. You win this time, Jones. We’ll meet again at my mom’s next book club meeting.

Brian Eno – Drums Between the Bells

Original Review Here

I’ll admit that perhaps I was a little hasty in giving Drums Between the Bells an A-. Truthfully, I haven’t listened to the album all that much since July, but I can’t help but think of its ambient poetry fondly. It’s one of those albums that you will enjoy, but never want to hear ever again, mostly because you cannot put it on and not give it your full attention. You can’t play a song like “A Title” while you clean the dishes, unless you want people to think you’re preparing to smash them and turn them into a modernist art piece afterwards. No, Drums Between the Bells is too selfish to be ignored. So, forgive me, Mr. Eno, if I don’t listen to it as much as you’d like me to. I have a life too, you know. And why are you in my house? Shouldn’t you be producing the new Coldplay record?

The Kills – Blood Pressures

Original Review Here

Much like a baby duckling falls in love with the first thing it sees, I will probably never love Allison Mossheart more than when she screamed that she would build a house with her lover’s bones on The Dead Weather’s 2009 masterpiece, Horehound. Listening to Blood Pressures, the newest record from Mossheart’s actual mainstay, I keep having this presumptuous dialogue in my head. Like, when I listen to last track “Pots and Pans,” I think, “Oh nice, she’s going to beat up her lover with those pots and pans, right? Oh, that’s not where the song’s going? Well then she must’ve burned down the kitchen, right? Yeah, watch that shit burn and sing a nice little song about it. No? Well, how the hell is she going to kill that fucker, then?!” Come to find out Mossheart’s more tempered and (gasp!) vulnerable on Blood Pressures, which is total bullshit, but I can dig it. I mean, just because she’s not shooting a guy or defaming his mother on it doesn’t mean the album can’t be an excellent collection of rock and roll songs. But my honest prognosis? I could have used being slapped around a bit more. After all, I’ve been a very bad boy.

Madlib – Madlib Medicine Show #11: Low Budget Hi Fi Music

Original Review Here

I’m finding that Madlib records are made to sound like relics. Like you see a Madlib release in the bargain bin at some record shop and think, “Oh, shit, I forgot all about this record!” even if it came out less than a year ago. I know this because, when I knew I was going to write about this album for this segment, I had that exact same reaction, even though I had listened to it less than a month ago. Coming back to Low Budget Hi Fi Music, the second-to-last installment of Madlib’s 12-part series going on since last year, always feels like you’re rediscovering a record you’ve always loved. It’s an underdog, best appreciated when you least expect to hear it. In this manner, Lo Budget Hi Fi Music will never sound dated. How can a record be dated if you can’t figure out what time it came from?

Couldawouldashoulda: July - September 2011

Trivium - In Waves: A-

"Capsizing the Sea / In Waves"

The beginning of August saw the release of some pretty polarizing records. Obviously, you had Kanye West and Jay-Z’s titanic collaborative album, Watch the Throne, with which many a self-proclaimed critic had great fun running through an argumentative strainer. And you also had the comparatively silent release of the fourth Gucci Mane product of the year, the collaboration with the equally contentious Waka Flocka Flame, Ferrari Boyz. Listeners tend to either love or hate the music that comes from both of these artists. I happened to mostly enjoy the former. The latter? Well, you can read my review for it farther down the page.

But another polarizing release that came out within that two-day period was the long-awaited fifth album from Orlando metalcore outfit, Trivium. From their first release, the quintet has always found themselves in the company of Dream Theater in terms of how people view them. Either you’ll refuse to listen to a thing they release or you’ll follow them to the ends of the Earth.  Such ire has mostly originated from the negative stereotypes of the genre from which the group spawned, and Trivium have never been able to shake them. Nearly a decade into their career, there are still people who refuse to give their music a chance.

I know this because I was one of those people back in 2006, when The Crusade came out. However, with 2008’s Shogun, I found myself completely switching sides as the group embraced a melodic prog sound that featured as many hair-raising musical turns as the group’s forebears they have often been accused of copying. It was a transformative record, and one of the best metal releases of that year. I’d argue that it moved the group from a hyper-localized kiddie genre to a more assured national stage, raking in additional fans no doubt.

So, three years later, the longest time span between the group’s albums, Trivium are at a pivotal place. What made Shogun so reassuring was that it struck a perfect balance between the ragged metalcore of the group’s first two records and the poppiness introduced with The Crusade. With that already established, Trivium could have leant heavier in either direction with their newest record. I can’t really remember the last time I was this mystified before hearing a new album.

And? Well, it’s fantastic. With In Waves, Trivium keep a solid footing within the fundamental songwriting chops of Shogun and introduce a new, surprisingly aggressive sound that almost circumvents heavy metal and dives into that of the death variety. And the group makes no bones about it. After an extended introduction of distorted piano and militaristic snares, lead singer Matt Heafy bellows the album’s title as the first vocals on the record. It’s a stark contrast from the even crests of Shogun, and Heafy’s harrowing performance rivals the breakdown in “Down From the Sky” as the heaviest moment in the group’s career. In Waves, as a whole, is similarly a darker release, for sure, but one that also retains an air of assurance, as if the depths provide the warmth through which the group can continue to impress.

Fans of the much more streamlined nature of The (still awful in my opinion) Crusade will invariably be put off by In Waves. It is hostile, belligerent and only lets up its tremolo-picked onslaught for a few moments. Whether it be through the enticing blastbeats of “Inception of the End” or the reverbed screams of “Black”, In Waves takes a definite step away from the opaque poppiness of the two albums that preceded it. Instead, an argument can be made that the album takes more influence from the progressive death metal pioneered by groups from Scandinavia than anything else. “Dusk Dismantled”, for example, doesn’t even feature sung vocals. The screams of the chorus are differentiated by a layered bellow in a lower register, a standard technique used by death metal groups to make their rough vocals that much more Hellish.

These injurious moments are, by far, the most interesting parts of In Waves, but, if you want to get technical, the album’s highlights are when the group borrows equally from the already-established balance of Shogun and this additional crudeness within the same song. For the most part, the title track interchanges between that first line that there’s no way the album’s not going to be famous for (“IIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES!”) and a sung pseudo-chorus. However, the track’s formula observes such a brilliant contrast, it immediately becomes an album highlight. Similarly, “Watch the World Burn” employs one of the biggest choruses the group’s ever written to make a single-ready pop metal hit without resorting to the disingenuous tropes of The Crusade.

Inversely, it is when this shifting of the aggression spectrum is discarded that In Waves loses its momentum. Trivium can and often have gotten away with more grit than melody, but it has always been in the inverse that they have fumbled the most. It is apt, then, that the balladry that comes at the end of In Waves not only feels awkward within the album’s context, but also disrupts its manic flow. Like “Shogun”, “Caustic Are the Ties That Bind” moves into softer territory in its middle, but its inclusion feels tacked on, especially when Heaffy’s chorus simply interrupts it when, in “Shogun”, it built up to a logical conclusion. “Of All These Yesterdays” is a bona fide ballad, the first Trivium have written since The Crusade. And, while not particularly horrible, the track also does not feel like a necessary stab at commercial appeal, let alone an appropriate album closer. As the track literally recedes into nothingness in the addendum, “Leaving This World Behind”, it ends the album anticlimactically when it would have better suit the group to end with the same lightning in a bottle with which they began.

But, to be honest, I find the message of In Waves to be more compelling than the appeal lost to those qualms. As an introduction to metal with screams, you’re still not going to find anything better than Shogun, but In Waves is just if not more important. With it, Trivium have figured out what about their sound is worth keeping. Like Avenged Sevenfold’s surprise triumph, Nightmare, the album sacrifices flashy guitar work for deeper sonic textures. It’s a sign that the group has established a workable dynamic. For the first time, Trivium are reliable, which cannot be said for literally any of their metalcore colleagues. With In Waves, Trivium start a new chapter as an established metal band. In other words, I can’t wait for what they come out with next.             

Trivium - In Waves: A-

Gucci Mane & Waka Flocka Flame - Ferrari Boyz: D

"15th & The First"

Ha Hahaha Haha ha ha haha hahahaha ha haha ha ha. Haha hahaha ha haha haha. Ha Hahaha Haha ha ha haha hahahaha ha, haha haha haha ha haha hahahaha, haha ha haha haha haha ha hahaha ha ha ha haha haha ha hahaha ha ha. Ha hahaha hahaha ha ha haha haha ha ha Haha Haha-haha hahahahahaha, haha haha hahaha ha, hahaha haha ha hahahaha hahaha ha haha haha. Ha haha ha Ha Hahaha Haha hahahahaha hahaha ha hahaha hahaha, ha haha hahahaha, haha ha hahaha hahahaha hahahahahaha Haha Hahaha haha ha Hahaha ha haha, haha haha hahaha hahaha hahaha ha haha haha ha ha haha ha hahahaha hahaha. Ha ha ha HA Hahaha hahahaha hahaha ha hahahaha hahahahaha hahaha ha hahahahahah ha Ha Hahaha Haha ha haha ha ha hahahahaha haha ha haha ha haha hahahahah haha hahahaha ha hahaha hahaha.

Ha haha hahaha haha haha ha haha hahahaha haha hahahaha ha Ha Hahaha Haha ha ha hahaha ha hahahaha hahahaha hahaha ha hahahaha hahahaha hahaha Hahaha haha ha ha ha hahaha. Hahahaha haha hahahaha ha ha ha haha ha ha haha hahaha hahahaha hahaha, ha ha ha hahaha ha ha/ha haha hahahaha (haha Haha Hahaha “Haha”). Hahaha haha haha haha haha HahaHaha haha haha ha hahaha haha haha ha ha ha hahaha ha “Ha Hahahaha Haha” ha haha Hahaha haha haha hahaha ha hahaha hahaha haha haha hahahaha “Hahaha”. Ha ha haha haha ha haha hahahahaha haha, hahaha ha ha haha haha haha hahahahaha ha hahaha ha haha hahaha.

Ha Ha haha "Hahahaha Haha", hahaha haha ha haha ha Haha Haha. Ha haha ha hahahaha hahahaha ha ha hahahahaha, ha haha hahaha ha hahahaha. Haha haha "Haha Hahaha"? hahaha hahaha haha "Haha Hahaha". Ha ha ha haha, haha ha hahaha "Haha Haha" ha haha haha haha, ha ha hahaha "Hahahaha", ha ha hahahahaha haha, "Haha Ha Haha". Haha haha ha ha haha? Ha, ha haha ha.

Hahahahaha, Hahaha hahaha Hahaha ha haha ha haha ha Hahaha Haha hahahaha ha hahaha ha haha haha ha ha haha haha; hahaha ha hahahahaha, ha haha ha haha hahahahaha hahahahaha haha ha ha haha ha haha hahaha ha ha hahaha ha ha hahaha haha haha ha ha haha ha haha haha, ha hahaha ha haha ha haha haha haha. Hahaha ha haha ha ha hahaha Hahaha, ha ha haha ha Ha Hahaha Haha, ha ha haha ha hahahahaha ha hahaha hahaha ha haha ha haha ha ha ha hahahaha ha haha hahaha haha ha, ha HA Hahaha haha haha hahaha.

Fucking told you. 

Gucci Mane & Waka Flocka Flame - Ferrari Boyz: D

The Throne (Kanye West & Jay-Z) - Watch the Throne

"Otis"

It feels trite to say, but Kanye West really has always been a formative figure in popular music because no one has sounded quite like him. His aggressive, ambitious aesthetic is both immediately identifiable and somewhat ahead of its time. Say what you will about his ability to rap (which has gotten better and better over the years), but the guy could never be accused of complacency in the decade or so he’s been making music. Paradoxically, nothing West has ever made could be considered alien to his body of work; every beat, rhyme, rant and tweet a fitting addition to the legend that has become KANYE WEST.

That’s why I imagine many fans were surprised to hear the Lex Luger-produced “H.A.M.” when it came out as the purported first single for Watch The Throne. It had that take-no-prisoners bass, that apocalyptic choral arrangement and that ominous pinwheel sound that introduced the hook. Put simply, it sounded like a Lex Luger track. Not that Kanye West or Jay-Z sounded particularly out of place boasting interminably within that context, but it still felt a little… unsettling. Kanye’s biggest asset as a beatmaker has always been his delight in combining disparate influences to make something only he could. However, for the first time, it sounded like he was rapping on someone else’s track. But his name was still on it.

The most interesting (but not necessarily best) moments on Watch The Throne, the long-awaited collaborative album between Kanye West and Jay-Z, are the ones when the music sounds nothing like something Kanye West would willingly rap over. The chopped James Brown samples of “Gotta Have It” don’t immediately bring to mind any one artist, but its lumbering swagger has never been ‘Ye’s MO. “Niggas In Paris”, with its chiptune-like synths and “B.M.F”-style bass/bomb’s, sounds like the bloated bombast of a Gucci Mane track. Most likely due to its mixed critical response and chartage, “H.A.M.” has been relegated to a bonus track on Watch the Throne, but, for all intents and purposes, the message the track sends is still very much felt on the final product.

This surprisingly new infiltration into the Kanye West cannon could be due to many factors; an increasingly sensationalistic rap music landscape, commercial pressure, a new collaborator. To some extent, all of these affect Watch the Throne, but I would contend that the biggest reason why a lot of the album dodges that subtle Kanye West flavor for more outlandish statements is because of its whole mission statement. I don’t know if you know this, but Kanye West and Jay-Z are kind of a big deal. If you think that the combination of both their enormous dicks on one record will leave room for a “Homecoming” or a “Hey Mama”, or that Jay and Kanye are willing to pull any aesthetic punches in such a meeting of the minds, then you obviously haven’t been in enough fights.

The most unfortunate moment on Watch The Throne may be when ‘Ye and Jay compare themselves to Lebron James and Dwayne Wade. It’s the kind of blissfully ignorant statement that would send the haters of these two guys and everything this album stands for into a tizzy of dramatic irony-inflamed laughter. Watch The Throne, to its credit, places itself on a lofty pedestal; in many ways it is the most ambitious record either of these guys have put their names on. I don’t know what possessed Kanye to start a chorus with, “This is something like the Holocaust / Millions of our people lost,” and finish it with, “’Till I die I’m the fuckin’ boss,” but it possessed him pretty hard. Otis Redding, having died forty-four years prior to this record’s release, is “featured” on a track, as if its inclusion was the final, baffling tenet in the man’s last will and testament. A look at the album booklet reveals that the record’s cover is actually the gaudy gilding of a picture of budding flowers. If Watch The Throne sucked, the metaphors for music scribes could be effortlessly picked like ripe fruit.

Luckily, Watch The Throne is a very good but nowhere near perfect record. Some of those aforementioned un-Kanye-like tracks prove to be the album’s highlights, and the dynamic between these two hip-hop supernovas remains consistent and enthralling throughout. With both engaging beats and head-turning wordplay, Watch the Throne manages to please both those put off by Kanye West and Jay-Z’s superfluous self-aggrandizement and those who just want to see them dick around. If you take anything away from this review, know that Watch The Throne does not, in fact, cave in on itself, although all logistical statistics would indicate otherwise. Instead, the album’s a worthy, fun one-off that solidifies the power of all players involved.

However, you may have noticed that I haven’t really talked about Watch The Throne with respect to Jay-Z yet. There are a few reasons for this. One is that WTT is the first Jay-Z-helmed record that I have ever listened to in-depth, so with what to compare it and within what context to consider it I do not know. Another reason, though, is that Hova has an especially diminished role on the album. Although Kanye West shows great deference to his Def Jam superior throughout (bro-ing out in the “Otis” video, crediting the group as JAY Z & Kanye West on the iTunes version, etc.), Jay never sounds nearly as animated or memorable as his counterpart. This is best exemplified on first track “Church in the Wild”. Over a looped guitar line that sounds like the riff to Foreigner’s “Jukebox Hero”, Jay introduces the record with a dark but competent verse before handing the chorus over to Odd Future’s Frank Ocean. But then, as if the real track was meant to start at its halfway mark, Kanye rips into the beat with unmistakable fervor. “Coke on a black skin make a stripe like a zebra / I call that jungle fever,” he sneers, establishing the decadence of the proceedings in the only way ‘Ye can. When the track’s over, you remember some Kanye lines and maybe Ocean’s understated coo. But, despite sharing a third of the track’s run time, Jay-Z’s work is less memorable than Rick Ross’s eight bars on “Monster”. And, no, it’s not just you.

Jay’s performances on the record aren’t all bland, however. On “Gotta Have It”, he ponies up admirably to the album’s ludicrous aspirations (“Bueller had a Mueller but I switched if for a Mille / ‘Cause I’m richer” is a particularly grin-inducing line), and the man’s depiction of his upbringing in the otherwise dull “Made It In America” is endearing and (cringe) relatable. Unfortunately, though, the worst moments of Watch the Throne belong to him. His grunts in between lines on “Who Gon Stop Me” are very grating, and, much like thinking about blinking, once you realize it’s happening, it’s very difficult to not notice it with future listens. Couple that with tossed-off swag and planking references, and it becomes clear who the weak link of Watch The Throne is. To put it differently, I doubt I’m the only one who saw this album as a follow-up to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy as opposed to The Blueprint 3.

It also can’t help that West is absolutely bonkers all over this thing. Where MBDTF felt like the work of a man with everything to prove, Watch The Throne feels like the most victorious of victory laps. I mean, you just don’t beat moments like in “Lift Off” when West goes, “Lift off / Takin’ my coat off (sound of coat wafting in the breeze) / Show all my tattoos / I’m such a showoff,” or in “New Day” when he observes his absurdist politics with, “And I would never let my son have an ego / You be nice to everybody wherever we got / I mean, I might even make him be Republican / So everybody know he love white people,” or when he features a quote from fucking Blades of Glory on “Niggas in Paris”, as if Will Ferrell’s boorish machismo is some batshit foil from a dimension I’ll never understand. Just as this is a different kind of production for a Kanye West album, this is a different kind of Kanye West. Though his memorable lines are not that numerous, it’s hard to imagine an artist who would so effectively take the theme of Watch The Throne to task.

For all this talk of radical changes, though, most of the album will not feel especially strange to those who have already heard music from either of these artists. Those more inclined to the horn-led bluster of “All of the Lights” will enjoy tracks like “Lift Off”. “New Day”, which strains Nina Simone’s “I’m Feeling Good” through Auto-Tune, is reminiscent of MBDTF’s “Devil in a New Dress” and the better moments of 808’s and Heartbreak. Watch the Throne remains consistently good except for the two bragging-absent tracks, “Murder to Excellence” and the aforementioned “Made It In America” (the latter too schmaltzy, the former laying its social commentary on a little too thick for my taste), and the awkwardly gritty “That’s My Bitch” and “Welcome to the Jungle”. Watch The Throne is varied, propulsive and more than a little offensive. Kanye West and Jay-Z prove that they have the might to at least pull off a record like it. Which is great, guys. But if you could just zip up your pants now, that would be even better.

The Throne (Kanye West & Jay-Z) - Watch the Throne

Dolly Parton - Better Day: B+

"In the Meantime"

For my generation, Dolly Parton has always been implants first, country singer second. I have always lumped Dolly in with people of deleterious “life story” fame, in which someone’s renown may be sparked by some respectable act or career, but is ultimately carried on from inertia through a series of trivial misdemeanors. For me, Dolly Parton was known more for being number 87 on E!’s list of Most Starlicious Makeovers. I’m not very proud of that fact, but that’s just how things panned out.

The first thing that Parton’s newest album, Better Day, does to those like me is to make them feel sorry for ever thinking that she hasn’t deserved all this attention over the years. Pretty much everyone knows who Dolly Parton is, but you may be surprised to find that she has released seven albums in the past decade. Certainly, this shows she’s been keeping busy just like any other legitimate musician, but what Better Day also makes clear is that Parton doesn’t just phone in her performances or fill in space with hokey covers. First and best track “In the Meantime” is an original celebration of the here and now. “You know people been talkin’ ‘bout the end of time / Ever since time began,” she sings. “We’ve been living in the last days ever since the first days / Ever since the dawn of man.” The track’s message is a nice sentiment, considering the curmudgeon-like dispositions of Parton’s peers (Just ask Merle Haggard what he thinks of all these kids with their loose pants and their hippity hoppity). However, it is also tuneful, because Parton’s excitement is genuine, and her glee is quite catchy.           

Admittedly, though, much of Better Day succumbs to the many cliché’s that tend to produce bland, corporate country. However, the album is wholly reliable, because Parton’s voice remains a strident marker through the songwriting highs and lows. At the age of 65, Parton has a voice that is remarkably distinct and versatile. Her high yelps and peppy demeanor on tracks like “Just Leaving” and “Country Is as Country Does” are both professional and youthful. They are reason alone to listen to every one of album’s tracks, even if some of their instrumentations are made up of little more than dull, Taylor Swift-like power chords romps. Regardless, Better Day is a solid release, if only in Parton exhibiting her still-unabashed personality.  To longtime Parton fans, the album will feel like business as usual.  

Dolly Parton - Better Day: B+

Deaf Center - Owl Splinters: B

"Time Spent"

Deaf Center are two dudes from Oslo who play dark ambient music using piano and cello. Owl Splinters, their sophomore release, very much continues to mine the rich, unpleasant nethers of ambient music through slight, discordant perversions of both their instruments. If you thought Tim Hecker’s Ravedeath 1972 was bleak, you ain’t heard nothing until you’ve heard ­­­a cello wretch inconsolably on the aptly titled “Animal Sacrifices”. Owl Splinters is a creepy, plodding piece of music. One of its main appeals is its ability to scare you silly in just the right context.

However, without that context – whether it be under the covers or in front of a computer screen in the wee hours of the night – Owl Splinters can wear on you. Much like Max Richter’s recent Infra, these are arrangements that meander and oscillate, building upon themselves with the very quality of their existence. However, the tension that Max Richter built up on his album was disseminated frustratingly and excellently through the use of static and white noise. Deaf Center simply let their textures run wild on Owl Splinters, until, inevitably, they become stale.

This does not bode well for the group when it is clear that their strength lies in short bursts of melancholy. “Time Spent” glides on an ominous piano line, made all the more affecting by the barely audible bass that creeps below it. It’s a well-executed concept, perfect for soundtracking a David Lynch or Darren Oronofsky film, even though it lasts just over two minutes. “Fiction Dawn” similarly places a piano line in a haunting void, and it too gets its point across at just over two and a half minutes.

In contrast, the majority of Owl Splinters is dedicated to massive ambient drones. I know it sounds silly to criticize a dark ambient album for indulging in such, but there is a point where atmosphere gets in its own way. “The Day I Would Have Lived” introduces an interesting concept with a more animated bass and some lingering studio imperfections, but it is far too long to be appreciated by the end of its nagging ten minutes. The eight minute “Close Forever Watching” and six minute “New Beginning (Tidal Darkness)” are similarly overlong and boring, although each has its own rewarding qualities. This key flaw keeps Owl Splinters from being the truly creepy piece of music its ideas attempt to convey. If only the group took more credence from brevity. That way, when those long moments come, they can envelop your sense of time so you won’t ever feel the need to check your watch. 

Deaf Center - Owl Splinters: B